Men with caps

When you're driving on the road, there are a few hazards that you have to watch out for: The first thing, and one that always gives me heebie-jeebies, nightmares and the tremors all wrapped up in a cold sweat is ... cow(s). One is enough to do some nasty damage to your nerves and your car in one sickening, bloody thump. A whole herd of them suddenly appearing around a bend in a country road, and you're fucked; you've nowhere to turn, you see. They're all over the road, so they are; moo-ing in their whiney forlorn voices. Oh! Don't get me started on the cows. I haven't ploughed into a herd of them yet, but I seem to know an inordinately high number of people who have, so I can't help getting the feeling that my turn will come soon.

Bovine terrors aside, the next most dangerous thing (and on certain occasions, I sometimes think that it is the most dangerous) is the man with the hat. Watch out for and be wary of such a man if you see him on the road. He's about seventy or so. The age is difficult to determine, but what will mark him out is the way in which he drives, trundling along at exactly 60kph and thinking about a cow or something, all the while remaining entranced and oblivious to the world around him generally, and to you hoping to overtake specifically. The large cap is held in place by large satellite-dish-like ears and I now believe that the cap contains his brain, so it isn't functioning correctly as it's not being kept at the correct temperature to allow it to work properly. You'll notice that his reaction time is slow and he tends to hedge his bets by driving at an equal distance from both hedges - i.e. bang slap in the middle of the road. This style of driving serves the double purpose of allowing him to see further ahead on the road and also to prevent anyone else behind him exceeding 60kph.

Here endeth the lesson on men with caps who drive. Just keep an eye out for them; there are many of them in Ireland, where they are as plentiful as cows, but don't produce as much milk.