Swimming wear for men

Ahh, yes! That old nutshell: the men and their swimwear debate. Yet another summer of puzzlement have I endured (and it has been, might I add, a really really nice summer in the Southwest of my dear country, so it has), staring aghast at the multitude of baggy shorts on men of the same persuasion as me. I have scanned the beaches for sight of proper, sensible swimming garments that are small and made of lycra, but they're now extremely thin on the ground. In fact, if anything, they're getting even rarer on our beaches. At least, on most countries on the continent, it's the youngfellas that wear the stupid baggies, while the more mature man - the man who's levelled off and comfortable with his sexuality - tends to go for the optimum option of the Speedos. But in Ireland, the disease of the baggies is well and truly widespread, entrenched as it is in the beach-frequenting culture of once-great Republic.

I'm afraid it's time to blame the Americans again. They weren't content with starting the trend of creating a flashy entertainment show to replace the news. Oh no! Now they've single-handedly started a baggy shorts revolution that has rapidly undone all the hard work of the sexual revolution of 40 years ago. I strongly suspect fundamentalist Christian labotamy-brained fuckwits, as I like to call them. Check out this website, for instance. Like, who in their right mind would (a) come up with such a business idea, or (b) actually buy the feckin things ? This can't be just "market forces" at work here; it's far too sinister for that. There's something rotten in the state of Denmark, so there is, so there is.

I hadn't even noticed that baggies were taking over the world until my wife pointed it out to me and pleaded (actually pleaded!) with me not to go out on the strand wearing "those", as she called them. I think she associates them with pot-bellied middle-aged men. I might be approaching middle age, but I'm still blessed with a slim figure and fine arse (so the wife tells me - I don't know). But anyway, that was 15-20 years ago and people still haven't figured out that the emperor has no Speedos and instead is wearing stupid feckin baggy shorts that are as ... stupid looking as they are not aqua-dynamic. Imagine Pieter Van den Hoogendband (if that is his actual name) lining up for the next big race wearing baggy shorts! That's be the end of his record-breaking, I can tell you! And the end of his dignity. He'd be hard-pressed to get the ride that night, so he would.

So, men of Ireland, I implore you! Men of Britain, the same to you ! Men of France, Hommes de France, je vous en supplie! All the other men of Europe and the rest of the world, listen up! Burn the baggies! Be wearing your Speedos with pride! I'm considering mounting a campaign (after I've had a chat with my legal eh... team) of terror on unsuspecting baggy-wearers, involving pulling down these offensive garments, thus exposing the wearers to further ridicule in an effort to make them understand how ridiculous they are.

So get burning, donning and pulling down! The revolution starts now! Viva la Revolucion!